50 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking

When we're upset, we need someone to listen and see the world through our eyes without trying to cheer us up, help us, or give us advice. Although this won't usually lead to a cure, it can be a tremendous relief to know that someone's listening.

Similarly, you can learn to empathize when you're trying to help a friend or family member who feels upset. Usually, all they really want is for you to be a good listener.

Agenda Setting is the most basic and important technique of all. First, try to define the problem you want help with. It must be real and specific as to person, place, and time. Ask yourself, "When was I upset? What time of day was it? Where was I? Who was I interacting with? What was going on?"

Now ask yourself if you're willing to roll up your sleeves and work on it now, rather than just talking about it endlessly. Ask
yourself, "What would it be worth to me to solve this problem? How hard would I be willing to work on the solution?"

Use the Checklist of Cognitive Distortions to identify the distortions in each negative thought.

Try to substitute a more positive and realistic thought for each negative thought. Ask yourself, "Is this negative thought really true? Do I really believe it? Is there another way to look at the situation?"

Instead of putting yourself down, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you might talk to a dear friend who was upset. Ask yourself, "Would I say such harsh things to a friend with a similar problem? If not, why not? What would I say to him or her?"